I have just realised that for the first time in my life for a long time I am going to be living by myself. I had a house of my own for a short while and I did live in hospital accommodation in the past during my rotations, but that doesn't really count as there was always someone around or an opened late night canteen. Friends in university used to quite happily knock on my room at 2 am as they knew I would still be up. As an eternal insomniac my reputation preceded me. And certainly a few unusual bonds and firm friendships were born out of it.
I have always been independent and a free spirit but I also loved company, sharing information from the mundane to the more subtle nuances of daily life. I am lucky to still have friends from that era. All before we grew up too quickly and each went in a different direction.
I supposed that was the magic of the twenties. This spark, this feeling that somehow things would work out ok. This belief that propels us forward without too much thought for consequences. By the age of thirty your perspective changes, you may have a career, perhaps a family, responsibilities and you feel accountable. Though I must confess that I believe the same idealism and enthusiasm is just hiding a layer deeper under the skin waiting for the right circumstances to emerge itself.
So at the age of thirty-four, I am packing and moving to the first space I can call my own in a long time. It has taken me a long time to reach the decision. I am sure it has just been simmering under the surface until it screamed back at me; time to move on! I had spent too long living as a spectator, though many will find this a contradiction when you look at the amount of travelling I have done. Sometimes though it feels like I have been trying to challenge myself just to see my reactions and how far I could go. You learn though pretty quickly it does not matter where you are in the world, you are still you.
I don't think it is a delayed 30th crisis as I usually pay little attention to age, but who knows? Once the seed of possibility grows, the thoughts become more pronounced and soon after you have nothing left but to take action. August and september came and went all of a sudden I had this wake up call, "what am I doing with my life? Is this really what I want?". The Universe certainly gave me a good kick in the butt. I ended a long term relationship which had not been making either of us happy for a long time, started seeking out old and new friends, regained some of my old joie de vivre and even dared to dream of a future love.
I am waiting to hear news about the house I have applied for to rent. A gorgeous little semi detached three bedroom house with a drive, garage, small front and back garden and a little patio. It is fully furnished and made me feel at home as soon I walked in. It just felt right.
So as much as I may fear loneliness in a big house on my own, a good part of me can't wait for my life to start. There is a vacuous unknown and immense opportunity. As someone told me recently I need to spread my wings. So I suppose it will be akin to going on a journey of self discovery.
I know though I will be calling on friends and keeping busy still. I like my space but I was not born to live in solitude. One day I will have a full house.